Breaking the Cycle of Self-Sabotage
You know the drill, we all do….you know what you need to do. You totally plan on knocking out your to do list ASAP. You have every intention of kicking ass and really do want to do all the things..…and yet somehow, you don’t do it, or talk yourself out of it, procrastinate, get really ‘busy’ so you don’t have time, make a million excuses why you couldn’t do it, or blame someone else for why you didn’t get it done.
But deep down…..you know it wasn’t anyone else holding you back. Deep down you know that the excuses that sound so logical and can feel so justified, are still just excuses you’re using to let yourself off the hook. Deep down you know it was you that let yourself down and that’s the worst and the best news. If you are the problem, you are also the solution.
Fair warning: If you’re not into tough love and truth bombs that you need to hear to take responsibility and get out of your own way, you should probably stop reading this now.
Just know that self defeating behaviors are truly just part of the human experience, we all engage in some version of this. So don’t add beating yourself up for normal human behavior to the mounting pile of defeat and shame you are likely feeling after letting yourself down yet again.
So why in the name of all things holy do we do this to ourselves?
It makes no logical sense, and on some level we know it. And yet we find ourselves blocking our own progress time and time again. There’s a list a mile long of reasons we shoot ourselves in the foot and then blame our failure on anything and everything but ourselves, including: fear of failure, fear of success, imposter syndrome, lack of confidence, etc.
But all of the possible reasons why seem to fall under one of three categories. Which, by the way, is good news. This means we can identify the cause and cart our sabotaging asses out of our own way and back into action.
So here we go, the answer to the million dollar question….why in the name of all things holy do we do this to ourselves???
Subconscious interference - aka lack of awareness and agency over the thoughts driving our emotions which drive our actions - ultimately leading to our results.
Ineffective emotional coping tools - aka avoiding feelings that are uncomfortable, such as nervousness, fear, anxiety, embarrassed, shame, disappointment.
Unmanaged/Unsupervised thoughts - Conscious or unconscious thoughts running the show without your permission and/or supervision.
While the categories are simple, identifying when we are in one of these self defeating cycles can be challenging to say the least since the captain of shooting yourself in the foot likes to hide behind excuses, justification, blame, shame, defensiveness and an overall skirting of any responsibility whatsoever for the demise of our best laid plans.
I’m going to come clean here, my MO for defeating myself before I’ve even started looks a little something like this….I get really, really busy doing EVERYTHING but the things I know I need to be doing. My house will be sparkling, the closet I haven’t opened in 5 years suddenly must be cleaned out and organized right now, I never wash my windows (don’t come for me on this, I just don’t), UNLESS, I am actively avoiding creating my own success. My brain also likes to convince me that I’m confused and need more information to proceed. Any of this sound familiar?
Ok, very interesting, but how do we STOP undermining our own success?
The first step is awareness, it’s always awareness - we can’t change something we don’t see. If you notice you are defensive, justifying, making excuses, blaming, shaming, feeling stuck, overwhelmed or confused, you my friend are most likely engaging in some sort of self defeating behavior.
Approach this with compassion and curiosity. Harshly judging ourselves or beating ourselves up will only serve to perpetuate the cycle and further delay your progress.
Simplify/Constrain the action plan.
Remove anything that is not absolutely necessary to move forward (simplify, simplify, simplify)
Break those simple things down into smaller and smaller steps so that you can move forward with the least amount of resistance possible.
Choose the task you feel the least amount of resistance to and take action. This will help you build some momentum and quiet your subconscious resistance so you can move forward and tackle the rest of your list.
Envision yourself as the kind of person who has already accomplished whatever it is you are working toward. This will create familiarity for the ‘new’ person you are becoming and therefore reduce the resistance your primitive brain offers. Have fun with this part, don’t make it a chore. Use you imagination, go wild, enjoy the feeling of having already become the person.
So, go forth my friend, conquer your dreams, do some main character shit, create exactly what you want in this beautiful, wild amazing life. Let's meet again on the sunny shores of success, with the deep satisfaction of knowing that we are a much wiser, stronger, more expansive version of ourselves for the journey. That we leaned into what made us afraid and moved forward toward our big dreams anyway.
